I'm a great, sensitive, funny, intelligent guy. I know this. It took me a long time to admit this to myself, but I always suspected it. I wouldn't be attracted to me though.
I went to the movies the other night with my ex, who I see once in a while. She's a good girl and we didn't break up over my looks but rather my somewhat anti-social behavior. Well, she had some issues of her own and I tended to resent her. But she's great, and smart, and funny, and cuddly. She wrapped her arm around mine at the moves. She's so sweet. And she FINALLY grew her hair out. Most women should have long hair. My opinion. She had this Lawn Giland soccer-mom cut while we dated and it was nauseating. She recommended a few great books that I'll read soon. I love her as much as you can love a friend, you know?
We saw "Capote". The movie focused on his "in Cold Blood" years and the research he did on the book. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is such a great actor, he should be nominated for an Oscar for this role. The movie itself was interesting although I would have liked to have been shown more about Capote's life but I think they captured the essence. I was really looking forward to seeing how they portrayed his relationship with Harper Lee. As in "The Aviator" where the sub-story of Hughes' relationship with Katherine Hepburn was alone worth the price of admission, the interactions of lee and Capote were just as fascinating. Yet the movie didn't explore it as much as I would have liked.Plus Catherine Keener is another all time fav.
Speaking of dipsticks, run, don't walk, to the Tenacious D in the Pick Of Destiny website. Don't be a tool yer whole life. Get down with the greatest band on earth.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
morning wood
The alarm went off, buzzing in the gloom. I rolled over, pushed the snooze button, rolled over again. To put my arm around her, to complete the exercise without opening my eyes, I fumbled. Sh lifted her arm to let me in. Mmm. Thank you. Warm. Seven minutes later, the alarm went off. I rolled over, pushed the snooze button, rolled over again. Seven minutes later, the alarm went off. I rolled over, hit the snooze button, rolled back. But she was gone, away into the world, toward the office.
It's just a momentary pang, nothing more. You learn to live with it. After all, it happens every day. But it gets worse with time. I just want to stay here. It's good to be lost in a doze; good to be unaware and warm. I can almost pretend here. I can almost believe myself here. I can... I can get up. I'm late for work, and there's email to read.
So you try to be honest because you're supposed to be honest, and doing the right thing means being honest. No matter what happens, you'll have been a Good Person ™ so long as you were honest. Or you can say nothing at all for months at a go, bottled up in a mantra of pain. Or you can say the same thing over and over and over again until it becomes the truth from lack of fighting. I'm fine. And I am. Have you ever loved someone completely?
It's only now that I can look back and realize that she never really loved me; she loved the pursuit of me, the unapproachable anguish of lovers so cruelly torn apart. Loving me would end her quest, would lead to peace. And she was always such a woman at war. Now I think she's young and silly, and I love her for that. That's what it was. It was the war. That's why it didn't work out, And it was.
The problem is that you don't have a chance at loving someone until you're done loving the girl before and if you loved the girl before completely, it can take years to overcome. And if you get through it and you manage to fall in love again and if that woman you stumble across happens to be someone you can love completely, then you think, well. Maybe it'll be better this time.
It sure seems that way. When you love someone completely, it seems so genuine. And you'd do anything, anything to make it work. Sure, maybe you fight it every once in a while, this time, just to see if it still has a hold on you, to be sure it's not just in your head but in your heart. And maybe you rejoice a little bit each time you do, that it does, because there's hope in that, possibilities and a future. It never occurs to you that you might find yourself weeping over it. You can't see that it will turn on you, someday.
You might see problems, but you never think they're enough, you never think they justify the loss of the whole, you find yourself making excuses for them and trying harder. You come up with reasons why it's exactly the same as before, just better and worse in different ways, because everyone knows that having reasons is enough, that knowing why is enough, that knowing why has to be enough, because it's all you're going to get and you get used to it. And you do. After all, it happens every day.
You don't pay attention to what is so obvious, and you deny what is blatantly real. Every confidential discussion comes down to a basic argument that it doesn't matter. You love her. It doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do. You love her. And you tell yourself that you're so so sorry, but you won't know why.
You'll hurt so many people who will try to get close to you. Some precious souls will chance their hearts on the faith that you're a smart guy who will do the smart thing. They'll get hurt, either way.
You carry that love with you forever. I'll always love that girl who fought with herself so hard that she tore us apart. I'll always wonder about her, even if I choose not to see her again. I'll always be fond of her in that flawless way. She still can't do anything wrong, and her sins will always seem somehow endearing. It's a weight I've carried for a decade. It's a weight I'll always carry.
Because that's how it is. You get used to it. Of course, if you had it to do over again, you'd do it differently. Wouldn't you?
What if you find this is your last chance to love anyone completely? Everyone knows the only thing worse than loving someone completely is to be loved, completely. You don't know what's going to happen, you just don't know who you can trust, and all you ever wanted was to know.
Maybe you better not chance it. Put a brave face on it. Stick through it. It's not so bad, you know. It hurts to be lied to, but it could be worse. It's not so bad. And it is.
No one likes "I told you so." especially not when it comes within themselves. But what else can be said when someone made you a promise, and broke that promise, and you can't stop yourself regardless from loving them so? And how can you punish yourself enough for the sin of simply hoping, just a little faith despite knowing it was coming, denying it was coming, watching it approach and not answering the door?
What else is there to say when you realize that you'd been here before? How do you apologize for the other promise, the one you broke to yourself, all those years ago, when you swore up and down that you wouldn't allow it to ever happen again, that you'd never find yourself here again, and yet here you are. Another burden, another piece of a collection, waiting to be forgotten on the next available shore.
You don't talk about it. It's the only way to keep people from getting hurt. You smile. You push the snooze button, wrap your arm around her and tell yourself that this is all you need. And it is.
It's just a momentary pang, nothing more. You learn to live with it. After all, it happens every day. But it gets worse with time. I just want to stay here. It's good to be lost in a doze; good to be unaware and warm. I can almost pretend here. I can almost believe myself here. I can... I can get up. I'm late for work, and there's email to read.
So you try to be honest because you're supposed to be honest, and doing the right thing means being honest. No matter what happens, you'll have been a Good Person ™ so long as you were honest. Or you can say nothing at all for months at a go, bottled up in a mantra of pain. Or you can say the same thing over and over and over again until it becomes the truth from lack of fighting. I'm fine. And I am. Have you ever loved someone completely?
It's only now that I can look back and realize that she never really loved me; she loved the pursuit of me, the unapproachable anguish of lovers so cruelly torn apart. Loving me would end her quest, would lead to peace. And she was always such a woman at war. Now I think she's young and silly, and I love her for that. That's what it was. It was the war. That's why it didn't work out, And it was.
The problem is that you don't have a chance at loving someone until you're done loving the girl before and if you loved the girl before completely, it can take years to overcome. And if you get through it and you manage to fall in love again and if that woman you stumble across happens to be someone you can love completely, then you think, well. Maybe it'll be better this time.
It sure seems that way. When you love someone completely, it seems so genuine. And you'd do anything, anything to make it work. Sure, maybe you fight it every once in a while, this time, just to see if it still has a hold on you, to be sure it's not just in your head but in your heart. And maybe you rejoice a little bit each time you do, that it does, because there's hope in that, possibilities and a future. It never occurs to you that you might find yourself weeping over it. You can't see that it will turn on you, someday.
You might see problems, but you never think they're enough, you never think they justify the loss of the whole, you find yourself making excuses for them and trying harder. You come up with reasons why it's exactly the same as before, just better and worse in different ways, because everyone knows that having reasons is enough, that knowing why is enough, that knowing why has to be enough, because it's all you're going to get and you get used to it. And you do. After all, it happens every day.
You don't pay attention to what is so obvious, and you deny what is blatantly real. Every confidential discussion comes down to a basic argument that it doesn't matter. You love her. It doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do. You love her. And you tell yourself that you're so so sorry, but you won't know why.
You'll hurt so many people who will try to get close to you. Some precious souls will chance their hearts on the faith that you're a smart guy who will do the smart thing. They'll get hurt, either way.
You carry that love with you forever. I'll always love that girl who fought with herself so hard that she tore us apart. I'll always wonder about her, even if I choose not to see her again. I'll always be fond of her in that flawless way. She still can't do anything wrong, and her sins will always seem somehow endearing. It's a weight I've carried for a decade. It's a weight I'll always carry.
Because that's how it is. You get used to it. Of course, if you had it to do over again, you'd do it differently. Wouldn't you?
What if you find this is your last chance to love anyone completely? Everyone knows the only thing worse than loving someone completely is to be loved, completely. You don't know what's going to happen, you just don't know who you can trust, and all you ever wanted was to know.
Maybe you better not chance it. Put a brave face on it. Stick through it. It's not so bad, you know. It hurts to be lied to, but it could be worse. It's not so bad. And it is.
No one likes "I told you so." especially not when it comes within themselves. But what else can be said when someone made you a promise, and broke that promise, and you can't stop yourself regardless from loving them so? And how can you punish yourself enough for the sin of simply hoping, just a little faith despite knowing it was coming, denying it was coming, watching it approach and not answering the door?
What else is there to say when you realize that you'd been here before? How do you apologize for the other promise, the one you broke to yourself, all those years ago, when you swore up and down that you wouldn't allow it to ever happen again, that you'd never find yourself here again, and yet here you are. Another burden, another piece of a collection, waiting to be forgotten on the next available shore.
You don't talk about it. It's the only way to keep people from getting hurt. You smile. You push the snooze button, wrap your arm around her and tell yourself that this is all you need. And it is.
You Must Fight to Live on the Planet of the Apes
You see, from what I can tell, all the people up there in the White House are fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets.
This is my plan for the people not the people in the White House. All you motherfuckers in the streets it's time to rise up, come along children and fuckin' rise!
Lots of times when I'm watchin' all the fuckin' shit that goes down at the White House, I get the feeling I should fuck shit up, Yeah I should fuckin' start a riot.
A Riot!
I'd have 'em screaming in the streets, I'd have 'em tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin' windows of small business and and settin' fuckin' fires!
And then after the smoke is cleared, and the rubble has been swept away, I will peek out my head. I've been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level, from a bunker.
I did it! I beat the bastards of the White House - Hahhahaha! But now what will we do?
We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process? It's got to be someone with the know-how and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land. No, not me. I don't have the cognitive capacity to lead... Alright, I'll do it!
I will lead as a benevolent king.
My first decreee: no more pollution, no more car exhaust, or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes! I will get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately. "Chop, chop, let's go with that tube technology right away" is what I'll say, with all the power of my Kingship-ness.
Second Decree:legalize marijuana. All you old shrivs that blocked it's legalization YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THE LAND!
Third decree: no more... rich people: and poor people.
From now on, we will all be the same... ummm, I dunno,
I gotta think about that...
This is my plan for the people not the people in the White House. All you motherfuckers in the streets it's time to rise up, come along children and fuckin' rise!
Lots of times when I'm watchin' all the fuckin' shit that goes down at the White House, I get the feeling I should fuck shit up, Yeah I should fuckin' start a riot.
A Riot!
I'd have 'em screaming in the streets, I'd have 'em tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin' windows of small business and and settin' fuckin' fires!
And then after the smoke is cleared, and the rubble has been swept away, I will peek out my head. I've been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level, from a bunker.
I did it! I beat the bastards of the White House - Hahhahaha! But now what will we do?
We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process? It's got to be someone with the know-how and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land. No, not me. I don't have the cognitive capacity to lead... Alright, I'll do it!
I will lead as a benevolent king.
My first decreee: no more pollution, no more car exhaust, or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes! I will get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately. "Chop, chop, let's go with that tube technology right away" is what I'll say, with all the power of my Kingship-ness.
Second Decree:legalize marijuana. All you old shrivs that blocked it's legalization YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THE LAND!
Third decree: no more... rich people: and poor people.
From now on, we will all be the same... ummm, I dunno,
I gotta think about that...
Saturday, November 05, 2005
rise up because I'm fed up you'd better back up
Sometimes lately I think to myself that I've grown so much but i've really only taken baby steps. Today while driving past the Lighthouse I honked my horn at a cab that was pulling out of Raceway into my lane. He sarcastically honked back and I not-so-sarcastically flipped him off. He returned the digit. As I pulled into the WaWa parking lot for coffee I flipped him off again. He pulled over on Bridge St and yelled at me "What's your problem?"
"You almost fucking hit me, idiot!"
"I saw your punk-ass, bitch" he shouted.
As I do, I immediately lost my sanity and yelled "I'm a bitch? I'll bitch slap you motherfucker"
I guess he said something and slowly kept driving. I pulled into a spot waving my hands.
What was I going to do, fight him? I would have been badly brusied, I'm guessing.
He was wearing a Yankees hat. I imagined asking him: "Are you a real fan or do you think the hat just looks cool?" As if he said he was a real fan would have made me spare him my wrath.
Fucking ridiculouos. People get killed like this. And it's a stupid way to look for trouble in a world where trouble is not hard to find.
I've really been working at my humility lately but this road rage shit is out of control. I think it's so easy to fly into a rage on the road because you know you're relatively safe in the car and you can release your inner anger at - whatever - onto a real person, which always feels so good. I guess.
Dumb.
"You almost fucking hit me, idiot!"
"I saw your punk-ass, bitch" he shouted.
As I do, I immediately lost my sanity and yelled "I'm a bitch? I'll bitch slap you motherfucker"
I guess he said something and slowly kept driving. I pulled into a spot waving my hands.
What was I going to do, fight him? I would have been badly brusied, I'm guessing.
He was wearing a Yankees hat. I imagined asking him: "Are you a real fan or do you think the hat just looks cool?" As if he said he was a real fan would have made me spare him my wrath.
Fucking ridiculouos. People get killed like this. And it's a stupid way to look for trouble in a world where trouble is not hard to find.
I've really been working at my humility lately but this road rage shit is out of control. I think it's so easy to fly into a rage on the road because you know you're relatively safe in the car and you can release your inner anger at - whatever - onto a real person, which always feels so good. I guess.
Dumb.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
How Globalization is Destroying the Internet
You Think Your ISP Sucks? Their ISP Is Worse
It never fails, Greed, greed, greed.
Most people don't understand that Internet is strung together by a bunch of agreements between major ISPs who usually ugree on the principle that users being able to access ANYTHING on the internet is FUNDAMENTAL to its viability. Usually agree being the operative phrase. Open source movements are great and democratic but the hardware has to come from somewhere. It's understood that the backbone of the internet comes to us for free, for now. How long before the government brings up regulation again? Not long, I'm sure.
It never fails, Greed, greed, greed.
Most people don't understand that Internet is strung together by a bunch of agreements between major ISPs who usually ugree on the principle that users being able to access ANYTHING on the internet is FUNDAMENTAL to its viability. Usually agree being the operative phrase. Open source movements are great and democratic but the hardware has to come from somewhere. It's understood that the backbone of the internet comes to us for free, for now. How long before the government brings up regulation again? Not long, I'm sure.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Crystal Balls
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. " -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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